Surrender

Do you ever think you really give something to God and then come to find out that it never left your hand? The past two weeks have been just like that. A back and forth rollercoaster of emotions and surrender. I keep asking myself the timeless question, "how do I really surrender?" At what point do you really let go and give it to God? Is it in one full swoop, you hand it over and all of sudden it's out of your grasp and in the hands of the Father, or is it a process? A slow turn over of giving the whole situation.
I'm beginning to see that it's daily. Daily surrendering all that I have and need to give to God. There are many things I need to daily surrender to Him. But with every day it gets a little easier, a little less painful. However, just as easily I can take it back and then it starts all over. Hmmm, I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now.
Ok, first off, surrendering to God is a desire. You have to want to give it to Him to really give it to Him. Otherwise, the whole time you're thinking about that thing you "gave to God" and wanting it back (when really you probably never gave it to Him in the first place). Think about a little kid with a toy. Let's say the toy is not a safe toy and his dad asks him to give him the toy. The kid really likes the toy, but he gives it reluctantly to the dad. Even though he gave it to his dad, he's constantly thinking about the toy, trying to figure out how he can get it back from his dad. He's thinking of all the fun he had with the toy and how unfair his father is being in asking for the toy. However, if he understands why the toy is not safe for him and why his father wants him to give it to him then the situation changes a little. Instead, the kid gives it to his dad, is sad for awhile but then continues on playing. His thoughts are no longer consumed by this toy and he has no bitter feelings towards his dad. Then there's the kid that realizes the toy is not safe on his own and he wants to give it away to his dad. This kid then never thinks twice. He's not bitter or even sad, but excited and happy that finally his dad has this toy that he could not use safely. And he understands that one day when he grows up and can maybe better handle the toy, his dad will give it back to him (in his timing, of course). Then, the kid will be able to use the toy and enjoy all it has to offer.
I find myself being the first kid all too often. I surrender things to God, but really I don't give them up fully, instead I hold onto them and think about them constantly. Such has been my life as of late. However, now that I've come to this shocking realization maybe I can ask God to teach me to desire to surrender. To open my eyes so I can see how much better things are in His hands. That His hands keep those "unsafe toys" from harming me until the time is right. And then, when His timing is perfect (which could be never), maybe I'll receive back what I gave to Him and find more joy in it than I could ever have hoped for.
Lord, give me the desire to surrender to You all that is Yours...